The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

What is the difference between marriage and death?

Dead people are free.

Do you know what the death rate around here is?

One per person.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?"

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?"

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."